My stepson, Ty Cascia, passed away October 24, 2022 at the young age of 18, and with his death my eight-year-journey as a stepfather to him came to end. He grew up as a Catholic, but converted to Islam after I married his mother. I did my best to be a good stepfather to him and teach him about Islam, but Ty ended up teaching me just as much about life, understanding special needs, and how to be a stepparent.
A Neglected Prophetic Practice
Step-parenting is a neglected Prophetic practice, and unfortunately most men prefer to marry a woman who doesn’t have children. Likewise, there is scarce information or resources online on the importance of being a stepparent in Islam. In this brief article I wish to share some reflections on what I have learned as a stepparent, as I talk about the legacy of my stepson Ty.
Stepping Up To The Plate
Approximately five years ago, in January 2018, I shared the following quote on social media regarding my step-parenting journey:
“It takes a strong man to accept somebody else’s children and step up to the plate another man left on the table.” -Ray Johnson
I then wrote, “We need to step up to the plate and become stepfathers to children (boys and girls alike) that do not have positive father figures in their lives, and make a difference in their lives just as the Prophet Muhammad [saw] did with his stepchildren such as Umar Ibn Abi Salamah [ranhu]. I am trying to do the same with my stepchildren.”
The Best Example
The Prophet Muhammad [saw] was the best of examples in all aspects of life, and was a model on how to be a good stepfather. One of the wisdoms behind the Prophet’s [saw] marriage to Umm Salamah [ranha] was to teach all of us how to treat and raise stepchildren. Umm Salamah [ranha] had four children from a previous marriage before she married the Prophet [saw]. When the Prophet [saw] asked for her hand in marriage, she reminded him that she had children from a previous marriage and implied that this could potentially be an obstacle for her in getting married. In a beautiful manner, he [saw] reassured her that her children would be taken care of and all their needs would be met.[mfn]عن أم سلمة رضي الله عنها: أنّها لمّا انقضت عدّتها بعث إليها أبو بكر رضي الله عنه يخطبها عليه فلم يتزوّجه فبعث رسول الله صلّى الله عليه وسلم إليها عمر بن الخطّاب يخطبها عليه فقالت أخبر رسول الله صلّى الله عليه وسلّم أني امرأة غيرى وأني مصبية وليس أحد من أوليائي شاهد فأتى رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلّم فذكر ذلك له فقال: ارجع فقل لها أما قولك إني امرأة غيرى فسأدعو الله لك فيذهب غيرتك وأما قولك إني امرأة مصبية فستكفين صبيانك وأما قولك ليس أحد من أوليائي شاهد فليس أحد من أوليائك شاهد ولا غائب يكره ذلك فقالت لابنها: يا عمر قم فزوّج رسول الله صلّى الله عليه و سلّم فروّجها (المجتبى للنسائي# 3279)[/mfn] Thereafter, he proceeded to practically teach and serve as a role model to those children.
The Parenting, Love, And Discipline Of A Father
We are living in an era where there is a severe shortage of fathers who are actively involved in the lives of their children and there are millions of fatherless children throughout the world. There are many articles, books, research studies, and lectures on this subject.
Unfortunately, this is also becoming very common in Muslim communities in the West in which there are thousands of single mothers raising children on their own.
Children who grow up without a father in their lives experience great adversity, are much more likely to engage in risky behavior, make bad decisions, and feel the loss and void of not having a father for their entire lives. We can hear the pain in Tupac’s voice when talking about the absence of a father in his life. Sadly, he speaks for millions worldwide:
“Now, ain’t nobody tell us it was fair.
No love from my daddy, ’cause the coward wasn’t there.
They say I’m wrong and I’m heartless, but all along
I was looking for a father, he was gone.”
Unfortunately, Ty’s biological father chose not to play an active role in his life, and had an estranged relationship with him for his entire life. Ty rarely visited his father and had little communication with him. Ty felt this loss and expressed it on multiple occasions. I did my best to fill this void and to be a positive father figure in his life.
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The Importance Of Teaching Stepchildren Good Manners And Islamic Values
Umar [ranhu], the son of Umm Salamah [ranha] mentioned above, said, “I was a young boy in the custody of the Messenger of Allah [saw], and my hand used to roam around the plate of food. The Messenger of Allah [saw] said to me, ‘O young boy. Say the name of Allah before you begin eating, eat with your right hand, and eat from the food that is closest to you.’ This remained my eating habit for the rest of my life.”[mfn]https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5376[/mfn]
Stepchildren are like sponges and eager to learn goodness from their stepparents and emulate them. Ty was a young convert to Islam and did his best to grow as a Muslim and learn about his faith. Actions speak louder than words, and I did my best to be a living example of Islam in the family house. He observed me offering my prayers regularly at his house, and after some time requested to pray his salat along with me. He worked very hard to learn how to make wudhu (ablution). He memorized Surah Al-Fatihah and the words of the salat in Arabic. He even was eager to perform the salat at-tarawih with me in 20 rakats, but I told him that it would be too much for him. He wished to emulate me, and did his best to do what I did.
One day, Ty requested that I take him to the masjid for prayers when I went. I vividly remember taking him to the masjid for the very first time and the happiness and fulfillment that I felt at that moment. Ty had expressed the desire to follow the Prophetic practice and adopt an Islamic name. He specifically wanted an Arabic name that referred to a protector. He considered a name such as Hafeedh (preserver, protector), as he considered himself the protector of his mother, his special needs brother, and even his teachers. Unfortunately, he passed away before officially taking on his new name.
The Fruits Of Labor
In any stepparent-stepchild relationship, it takes two hands to clap, so to speak. In other words, parent and child must work together to foster a positive relationship. During our 8-year relationship and until his death, I can say that Ty was a kind, compassionate, and loving stepson. He was the most loyal and considerate son to his mother that I have seen or heard about in my life. He spent his whole life serving his mother and protecting her as best as he could. The Prophet Muhammad [saw] said, “Paradise lies beneath the feet of the mother.”[mfn]https://sunnah.com/nasai:3104[/mfn] I truly believe that Allah [saw] will enter my stepson into Paradise on the basis of this alone.
I can also say with confidence that I was closer to Ty than his biological father, and that he considered me to be his real father. Ty would often confide to his mother that he trusted me over his biological father. Shaquille O’Neal expressed a similar sentiment when he spoke about stepfathers who were there when biological fathers were not, making reference to his own stepfather Sarge:
“Cause he was the one who took me from a boy to a man. So as far as I’m concerned, he’s my father ‘cause my biological (father) didn’t bother.”
Sharing Firsts And Memories
I watched Ty grow from the age of 10 to a mature young man. I was blessed to provide and share many firsts in Ty’s life and create many unique memories, including his first flight on a plane, his first trip outside the country, his first deep sea fishing trip, his first snorkeling trip, and more. We rode ATVs together at Pismo Beach, did water activities in the Florida Keys, went deep sea fishing in the Pacific Ocean -during which he caught his first lingcod-, went all-night laser tagging multiple times, bonded with my biological son, dined out at halal restaurants in Bangkok, and even teamed up to cook wagyu steaks for 50 imams. His mother observed that participating in these activities with other Muslim youth and watching my example helped Ty grow into a man and a Muslim.
It is challenging to develop a relationship with and love another person’s children like our own. We naturally and automatically love our biological children because they are a part of our own flesh. On the other hand, the love between a stepparent and stepchild is not automatic, and instead develops over time. Likewise, not all children are able to openly express their love or even show it, especially autistic children or children with special needs. Ty showed love to me in his own way and I felt truly loved by him. His love language was service to others, through which he showed love through his actions more so than his words. He was a great cook, and barbequed for us, for my friends, scholar colleagues, and his Muslim friends on multiple occasions.
In light of the Quran, the source of true happiness for a person is watching their wife and children worshiping and obeying Allah [saw]. Seeing my stepson performing salat, learning the Quran in Arabic, and doing his best to practice Islam, has been one of the most rewarding, happy, and fulfilling aspects of my life. Observing his growth as a Muslim, and his death as a Muslim, has made the entire journey of being a stepparent worth it.
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What Ty Taught Me
Ty was an excellent teacher and taught me how to sympathize with and accommodate individuals with special needs. He was autistic and was the first person with autism who I had the opportunity to interact with extensively. During our wonderful time spent together, I learned a great deal about individuals with special needs, their challenges, and about autism in particular. As an imam, this has given me an important experience in understanding and accommodating individuals with special needs.
As a whole, Ty made me a better person. He taught me that the relationship with a stepchild can be just as rewarding and fulfilling as one with a biological child. Going through the challenges and struggles of being a stepparent has made me a better person, better husband, as well as better imam and community leader. I would do it all over again if I had the chance, and I thank Allah [swt] and Ty for giving me this opportunity for self-growth, spiritual fulfillment, and memories that will last a lifetime. I pray that Allah [swt] will reunite Ty and I in Paradise. Ameen.
Marrying A Woman With Children
Unfortunately, many Muslim men will completely write off women with children and will not even consider marrying them. When searching on apps and matrimonial websites, they will purposely exclude women with children from the search criteria. Worse yet, some will even stipulate to a woman that she has to get rid of her children if she wants to get married to them!
Likewise, many men have a strong preference for marrying virgin wives who have not previously been married, even if the men themselves have been married multiple times and are middle-aged. As a result, they overlook good, pious matches and excellent potential spouses just because they are divorcees with children. If everyone marries virgins, who marries the divorcees and who brings up the children? The Holy Prophet [saw] taught us by example in the choice of women who he married.
There are great rewards for da’wah or Islamic outreach, propagation, and missionary work. Many Muslims travel to teach Islam, visit prisons or foreign countries for this purpose. In doing so, we often forget the great opportunity for da’wah in our own community and country in being a stepfather and reviving this forgotten Prophetic practice. Being a stepparent is a lifetime da’wah as opposed to a one-time visit or a trip of a few days.
There is a desperate need in the community for stepparents and I recommend that mature Muslim men and women choose to become stepmothers or stepfathers. However, they should do this solely for the sake of Allah [saw] and having hope in the reward in the hereafter. Likewise, they should do their best to follow the Prophetic model. I also advise current stepmothers and stepfathers to persevere through the adversity and difficult times, place their full trust in Allah [swt], and have faith that Allah [swt] will ultimately make things work out for them just as he did for me inshallah. There will definitely be a positive outcome for those who fear Allah [swt].
The Legacy Of Ty Cascia
In closing, I would like to share some lessons from the legacy of Ty that I pray will live on.
- Please remember Ty in your prayers and ask Allah [swt] to show mercy on him and forgive him. Every single one of us is in need of prayers, especially when we pass away.
- If Ty was alive and could give a message to all of us, he would tell us to care for, love, serve, and cherish our parents. In particular, he would advise us to give special care to our mothers. Ty’s life mission was caring for his mother and he did so as long as he was alive.
- Lastly, I would request on behalf of Ty that more of us consider becoming step mothers and step fathers, and teach our stepchildren by example. If this article and Ty’s story is able to inspire or touch even one person to be a better son or daughter to their parents, then it has been successful. Likewise, if this inspires just one person to become a stepparent or motivates one stepparent to persevere, then it will all be worth it and Ty’s soul will be at peace.
Related reading:
– Parenting Older Kids: Focusing On Success In The Deen
